she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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