im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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