dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
