I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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