i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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