i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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