so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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