I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
