he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
