How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
