I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
