Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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