so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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