idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
