I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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