DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
