He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
