So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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