i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
