I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
