oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
