If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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