I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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