i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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