90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
