He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
