I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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