it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
