Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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