I got chris browned last night
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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