I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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