did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
