Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
