They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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