Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
