it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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