Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
