he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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