he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Barsexuality is the new black.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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