I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
