I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
