Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
