hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
