he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.