Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.