While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
