Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
