My room smells like vodka and shame
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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