Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
