so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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