just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
