my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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