This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize