the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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