You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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