i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
