I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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