you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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