I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
