He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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