Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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